Death's Door

Death's Door
Ponce Inlet, FL

Things have gotten progressively worse with my mom's dementia, enough to warrant another trip to Florida. Mom's moaning is now now ever present even though there's no physiological reason for her moaning.  In order to reduce both her anxiety and agitation, as well as my father's anxiety, the nursing home suggested and I agreed to contract with hospice services.


Although I do not believe in playing God and I do not relish my role, I simply do not subscribe in prolonging the suffering of both the living and the soon to depart.  My mother has lived nearly 90 lucid years.  For 69 of those years my father has been by her side in both sickness and in health;  however, each time my father hears her moan and sees her writhe it breaks his heart.   It seems to me inhumane to prolong her agony and his prolonged suffering.  For Dad, there is nothing more that he can do for her.


Yes, I could leave her simply alone under the regular care of the nursing home; however, their solution is to leave her moaning in a nearby wheelchair in plain view in a common area where they can monitor her.  My mother, if she were lucid, would not have wanted that.  She would have scolded me and wondered about what would people think about her?  No I don't want that for my mother.  No I don't want to play God. I simply do not wish to prolong her agony and the inevitable.  There is no more quality of life for my mother.  That ended abruptly the middle of last month. I understand and I and my siblings, and my father need to let go.


For years, I have believed that death is simply nothing more and nothing less than rest for the weary. My mother's body is tired and her mind is gone.  She deserves my respect and I will always remember her as we did on her 90th birthday.


I love my mother and always will but I have to, if need be, end the suffering for both she and my Dad.  No doctor can bring her back to us and now its time to simply keep her memory and spirit alive each day.  Her time is near, I know. I simply pray that God will take her breath away and give her body peace and the rest she deserves.  She has fought a brave fight and has almost singlehandely broken Medicare.


Mom, I hurt for you but I've always loved you the most.  Please don't forget I am the best looking and your only son.   It hurts to let you go, but I have to look out for Dad and my sisters too.  You said I was your favorite but I know that you loved us all the same, I just happened to be your only son and the youngest. Thanks for fighting such a good fight. I know you are tired and your bones are brittle and ache.  I never could stand to see you in pain and suffer.  I took care of you when you were younger and at times sick and I am so sorry that I can't make it better now.  You will always make me laugh and I hope that I will always make you smile.