Journey's End

Longhorn in Meadow

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

Emotions are powerful things.  They are cyclical as ocean waves and complete with under tows.  As I contemplate the end of my mother's journey, I find myself getting stronger and more capable of handling the details of grief and the reality of death.  I've always told people in my similar situation, that death is nothing more than rest for the weary.  Even now, I believe this is true.

My mother has lived an incredible fun life filled with fantastic memories, friends, fiestas, and fantastic family reunions and dinners.  Sorrow touched her life briefly with the loss of my brother Misael at an early age.  She and Dad recovered and somehow managed to stay together despite the guilt and grief of their loss.

A few years later, I was born.  My family and my extended family were elated that another son was born.  I always sensed the importance of my role within my family.  At some point in the future, it would fall on my shoulders to lead the clan.  That event is gradually happening right now.  I am reluctant to accept my charge, but I know that its my turn to lead and to be strong for my family.

Death is certain and like birth a part of life.  What happens between is called life.  My mother has had a tremendous life.  She has always wanted to live and she made all of her days count.  Now her body and mind are getting ready for her final trip.  I pray that we can make her as comfortable as possible.  I don't know if I am ready to let her go, but I do know that we, her children, do not want neither she nor my father to suffer.

There's a tremendous sense of reassurance that is flowing through my veins.  I feel a sense of composure and peace.  I am beginning to feel confident that I will be able to fill this role and give my family a final opportunity to remember Mom.  It may be a few days or it even might be a few months.  Regardless, all I care is that Mom be comfortable and leave on her terms.  She, after all, has lead a life that was always on her terms.

Celebrate with Lucy

Lucy at 90

This week was certainly filled with life ebbs and flows.  Kim and I did find time to celebrate a few things.  Our friend Lucy turned 90.  Any one who meets Lucy becomes a different person.  Lucy fills you with her joy and spirit.  Like my recently departed friend Joe, she's a beacon, a heading and a coordinate of where I want to be as a person.

Lucy celebrates each day she's alive.  She shares her experiences and makes you want to be with her.  She also imparted that to her children.  Each has some of the same Lucy joy and spark.  Each enjoys getting to know you and seems deeply interested in listening to your story and sharing theirs.

Throughout the festivities, I was making arrangements for hospice services for my mother.  It was difficult to be cheerful when I wanted to be tearful.  Life goes on and I am grateful equally for both Lucy and my mother.  In the room was a two month old with a whole life ahead of her.  I wondered if perhaps she would be the next Lucy.  We have to celebrate life with Lucy.

Let the Dog Down

Buckley

Never let life's hardships disturb you ... no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages.

Nichiren Daishonen

It's been a huge roller-coaster ride this week.  My mother was transferred from her nearby nursing home to a second this past week.  She fell this past Saturday and spent most of the day in the ER awaiting stitches.  On Monday we were told by the nursing home staff that they could not take care of her and that she had to be transferred yet again to a different place about 30 miles from Mom and Dad's home.  Dad was in tears begging that she be kept near home.  By mid-week, I found out that Mom would be going back to where she originally was just five minutes from home.  Dad was again in tears but this time tears of joy.

The week ended as a prospective employer told me that he didn't think I had what it took to do the job.  I asked him if he had bothered to check my credentials and references.  I told him that if he were a candidate and had said he went to Harvard, I would check it out.  Some people think that unemployment is an illness and a choice.  It's the same few that believe people choose to be poor.

By the end of the week, I recognized that I had even let my dog down.  I could see it in his eyes.  I am tired but I am not broken.  Buckley and I enjoyed our walk today, but I know I owe him more than what I've given him.  Have you ever felt like you've even let the dog down?

Dry Cows

Life Flows

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.

Aristotle

A while back an older gentile East Texas lady taught me  a very simple country expression.  She looked at me with her slate blue eyes and said:  "Al, you can't draw milk from a dry cow."  At first, I had no idea what this meant and what it had to do with me.   I was somewhat taken back and baffled with what that had to do with me.

Most of my life, I've wanted and looked for friendship and approval.  I've always gone out of my way to win someone over as my friend.  Many times, I've been disappointed by the lack of reciprocity.  Why couldn't that person be as much of a friend as me?  Why is it that it was always me reaching out?  Why couldn't that person sense my needs and be a friend like me.  Why is this "friendship" so one sided?

It all makes sense in the context of what my lady friend said.  Some people simply don't have it to give.  You can tug and tug at them all you want but they can't give you friendship and solace because it simply isn't there to give.  It's a sad lesson but its important to learn.  You can't seek approval from those that can't give.  Stop trying to draw milk from a dry cow.

Transitions

Transitions

Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.

Benjamin Franklin

The journey is flux and filled with transitions.  As I observe my life, I truly see how transition explains everything.  Even our gravest enemy death is nothing more than a baton passing during  our life relay race.  Where one person's race end's, the recipient's journey begins or resumes.


The passing of a person we love does not have to be the end of the race.  It can very well be the beginning of ours.  We can carry the baton and move swiftly towards our own finish line and pass hope on to others.  The baton message is simply this:  as long as you hold the baton in your hands, you have a life to cherish and live.  Ultimately, at the end, you will share that baton and message to someone else.  You will before your life's end touch someone else; that is your destiny.  The baton transitions and transcends the finality of your end.  It immortalizes everything that you were and is commemorated by those chosen by you to carry it forward.


The transition that I am personally faced with right now is not about a job or a career.  It is about changing my focus from work to living and doing.  Life is not meant to be lived vicariously.  We are chosen to participate and to engage our being with those around us.  We are social beings born to create and destined to love.  The planet is our vehicle in our journey and marking time with the help of the sun and moon as we spin throughout space in our galaxy.  We belong to the universe.  Life spins and hope moves on.

Awash in Rain

Overflow in Keller

It had been nearly a month since we've had any significant moisture.  In Texas, things are always exaggerated.   We had a deluge in a matter of hours and the creek banks near our home overflowed their banks.  It's hard to complain when the rain had been so sparse and wild fire warnings were announced nearly daily.

Life I guess is that way at times, we are inundated with either good or bad news.  It never seems to be balanced.  Throughout the turbulence, we need to figure out how to enjoy both.  I am trying hard to learn my lessons well.  I am paying very close attention; I sure don't want to go through these ordeals again.

Opportunity Awaits

Brick Wall and Open Door
Taylor, TX

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.

Thomas Jefferson

Optimism is an essential ingredient to survival.  Opportunities lie behind closed doors.  The optimist is willing to open and peer to see what's behind the door.  Lately, I've been peering behind lots of doors some are filled with surprises and some lead absolutely nowhere.   The most outrageous openings are the ones that appear to be be bricked up before I even get a chance to come in.


Whether I like what's behind the door is irrelevant to my survival pursuit.  The fact remains, that good or bad, I've got to keep knocking on doors, turning knobs, and peering in.  Life is filled with doors some are open and some are shut.  None of us knows what lies behind each.  That's why deep inside of me despite the anxiety and despair, I keep trying and knocking on doors.


Sooner or later a door is going to open for me and I will be prepared for the opportunity that lies beyond the portal.  Being ready to take advantage of the door mysteries is a lesson that I've had to re-learn.  Like photography, I have to be ready to capture the moment in front of me.  It may only last a fraction of a second, so I need to be prepared and move swiftly.