Friday, August 20, 2010

My Choice

Comfortable With My Thoughts
Taos, NM

Some think that I am too Pollyanna in my writing style and content.  Some feel that applies to my images.  Some would rather that I dig deep and go to the dark place that I dread of fear and despair.  To those I say, I choose to look for the hope and renewal in everything.  My nature is not optimistic and I fight to overcome that every day I breathe.  I do not see the world through rose tinted glasses, but I force myself to see what is good and beautiful.

The fact is that I talk and write my way through the despair and through the valleys.  More than losing my job, I dreaded the emotional torment that it would put me through.  This is the worse recession of my life and to lose a career at my age is extremely frightening.  Whole industries are built on this fear.  

I will share dark with you briefly and promise to see the light.  It's hard to valued  when you have been cast aside.  For nine years, I worked for a company that I felt would carry me over until my sixties.  Unfortunately, the ride came to an abrupt end at least seven  years shy.

They always touted what a valuable resource I was to them.  My language skills enabled me to transact business for them in Mexico and Puerto Rico and even Europe.  For the past two years, my finance skills provided them with incredible tangible savings of over $10 million dollars.  Even my photography skills were of value to them.  My images made it to last year's annual report and my photos still can be viewed on four floors at the corporate office and even in the president's personal office.

It all ended with the bad news given to me by someone much younger than me, with three years of tenure, and a "cheshire cat" like smile on her face.  "This is not personal",  she said.  It has nothing to do with you.  My finance job was given to someone without a finance degree.  Someone who hated finance and could not possibly understand the relationships, but she earned less money and that made her more valuable and in their eyes qualified. 

It pains me to think about it and rehash this broken record.  I would rather not share this with you because it has no value and meaning to you.  It will not uplift.  I know and believe in my heart that my pain is minimal and can be fixed.  There are other things that cannot be fixed.  It angers me that someone could cause this stress to my family.

The clock keeps ticking and I still feel that sense of inquietud, my sense of urgency, it haunts me daily.  I have a purpose and I have talents.  There are many things that I do well.  Yet as I look back, I am forced to look forward;  I know that somehow my journey is far from over.  There are many  things left to do.  Work is only one part of me.

Please don't ask me to go dark either with my images or my writing.  It's not where I want to be.   Fear is nothing more than ignorance.  I choose to not be ignorant.  It's a daily choice.  

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